


Need a Hand

by AwkwardDuckProducktions



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Anxiety Attacks, Bad coping mechanisms, Canon Compliant, Dissociation, He's black, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm black, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Juno needs a hug, Kinda, M/M, Mentions of Violence, N word usage, Nudity, Peter Needs a Hug, Rita is perfect, Wrote this for therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 22:05:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11261943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardDuckProducktions/pseuds/AwkwardDuckProducktions
Summary: Juno is mentally scarred from the death of his brother and the month of being in a mental institution. Here's how it continued to fuck up his life.





	Need a Hand

He wonders how it would have been different if he had fled that day. The school's counselors giving him a new look, one of pity and disgust. He had his bag in his lap and his comm behind it, in fear of it being taken away. His insides were in turmoil as he typed a desperate plea.

 

Sashay the Gay

Jay, where are you?

 

Jay the other Gay

Office. I'm scared. They want to send me to The Creek.

 

Sashay the Gay

Oh no. Can you get out?

 

Jay the Other Gay

No, they won't let me out of their sight.

 

Sashay the Gay

Mick and I could break you out.

 

Jay the Other Gay

No, you'll only get in trouble. I'm so scared. I don't want to go.

Sashay the Gay

They can't break you, J. You're a lot stronger than you think. Mick and I will be here for you. Do you know for how long? Is it part-time or full-time?

 

Jay the Other Gay

A month at least. Fulltime. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know what to do. I can't go there.

 

The Creek was a mental institution. Specialized in teenagers and young adults. Everyone who went changed. They came back less themselves, no matter who they were. Jocks became anti-social. Theater kids became shy. Nerds started doing drugs- the hard stuff. No matter who you were, you changed. No matter what you went in for, you always go back. It's kinda sad to think about it. A place designated to helping people made them worse. Broke them down only to build them like a puppet made from flesh. Juno had heard of a friend of a friend who went, immediately afterwards they were released they tried to kill someone. Got sent right back. Haven't heard of them since. "People drown in The Creek." The unofficial motto of everyone who goes. You get swept up in the current and suffocate by what they force down your throat. Juno was sent against his will. Spent 744 hours there, the minimum.

He got out on "improvements." It pays to have an abusive mother. You learn all the good skills like lying and acting. He could become a master thief if he wanted with how good he is with changing his whole persona. Mick and Sasha nearly didn't recognized him when he was freed. Only because he still wore his ugly face. But Juno hid it deep inside. Another thing you learn with abuse is how to hide, how to swallow pain and how to pretend to not feel it. He didn't drown and he ~~hasn't~~ didn't go back. But The Creek still changed him.

____________________

When he was part of the HCPD, that's when the waters started to rise. He felt it in his chest, the choking sensation. In his arms and legs, there was nothing. All the bones, blood, tissue and veins gathered in his chest. His eyes didn't see and saw too much. Instead of chasing criminals, he chased shadows in the corner of his eye. Instead of filling out paperwork, he was emptying bottles of either drugs or alcohol. Instead of going to the hospital, he bled all over the station and his apartment. It went on for about a month until that thing happened. The thing that ended his career.

It was late (he thinks). A spring day (he knows, this happens on the anniversary of his brother's death). He has been staying at the paperwork for hours maybe. A child was murdered by her mother (she looked like Ben, he thinks. Sasha didn't agree.) His eyes swam. "Steel! You've been staring at that all day! What's the matter with you, boy?" He knows his captain meant it as a term of endearment. But it sounded like knives sharpening against a chalkboard. His whole body began to shake. There were knives in his head. A hand grabbed his shoulder.

He loved the captain of the force. Everyone loved the captain. She was the father he never had, or mother really. Under her term, the rate of juvenile imprisonment dropped by nearly %50. But that's because she believed in The Creek to help them. Juno wanted to warn her about trusting The Creek so much, but he can't trust he won't be made a spectacle. The Creek is a good place as long as you aren't the one sent to it. People give you that look of pity and disgust when they learn. Steel knew he wouldn't survive if his captain gave him that look. He loved the captain as much as everyone else. But that's hard to believe when he forced her to retire. A shattered wrist, a half bitten off ear and a broken sternum isn't what a person does to someone they love. But the hand on his shoulder wasn't the captain's hand. It was the hand that led him into The Creek. It was the hand of his mother as she forced him to look at the corpse of his brother. It was all the pain he had buried inside for nearly 20 years in one isolated spot. He had the right to return it. Instinct took over and he fought like an animal.

The captain never blamed him. When he visited her in the hospital, she demanded everyone to leave them. His coworkers sneered as they past, only adding to his shame. She gestured for him to sit next to the bed. Juno begged for her forgiveness, eyes downcast. He loved her greatly and here she was. "Steel, I'm more angry at the fact you never told me about your brother than what you did. If I had known, first off: I wouldn't have put you on that case secondly: I woulda have wanted your input about The Creek. I blindly trusted them because I was informed by them that they were good." She lifted his head to look her in the eyes. "Wire told me what happened. How it changed you. I wish I coulda heard it from you first, but I don't blame you. It's around the anniversary, isn't it? You coulda applied for time off, Steel. I want to make Hyperion City a safer place, can't do that if I'm sending off misguided teens to The Creek. I definitely can't do it if my team is hurting." Dark eyes filled with tears.

"I'm so sorry." The words tumbled out between sobs.

"Juno, why didn't you tell me?" Her voice soften.

"I didn't want you to look at me differently. You're the only person who's been proud of me." He tried to brush away his tears, but more came. "I didn't want to be a pitiful nigger to you as well."

"Did The Creek tell you that?" A worn hand brushed his cheek as he nodded.

"They did a lot of things, ma'am."

"Damn, I thought they forgotten that kind of language centuries ago." A silence fell between them like heavy rain. "You will never be that to me." There were tears coming from her as well. "Juno Steel, you will never ever be that to me."

She might not see him like that, but everyone else and Juno sees it. The captain retired a year early, her wrist didn't heal fast enough. The HCPD threw a big party for her. Nearly sixty years on the force and still loved by everyone. Juno sometimes wished he went, but he knows where he's not wanted. Especially since he was discharged from the force a week after the incident. He spent the night alone surrounded by his true friends, cheap whiskey and scotch.

Every spring, Juno has made the habit of being a little more drunk and more anti-social. After he was fired, Mick tried to coast him out. Slammed doors and empty bottles smashing to the wall next to him was his only achievement. At least Mick knows Juno never misses so if he was aiming for his head, he would have struck.

________________________

When he got the office with Rita, there was one incident. He had slept in the office surrounded by bottles and Rita walked in talking on her comm. The bottle missed her by half an inch. "Mista Steel! You did not just throw a bottle at me! Sorry Frannie, I'll have to call you back. Boss is in a real bad mood." She hung up and marched into his office. "Did you spend the night here? Mista Steel, that's why you always look tired. You ain't getting proper sleep." Rita started rambling about her friend got this new Neptunian pillow cloud that stays cool all the time.

"Rita, I'm not in the mood." Juno mumbled as he searched for more alcohol.

"Well of course you're not!" Her curls bounced with every syllable. "You spent the night here! And I'm pretty sure that's more alcohol than blood in ya." She grabbed his hand. He wasn't sure if it was his drunken state or the way her manicure digged into his palm, but she didn't change. There was no bottle up pain. No awful flashbacks. No therapists who tried to break him down. It was just Rita. "Now I don't want to see you driving because if you die, I'll be very angry with you. I'm going to drive you home, Mista Steel. And you are going to drink water and eat a sandwich then going to bed. Do you understand me?" He couldn't help the smile that graced his face nor the tears in his eyes.

"Yes ma'am."

Him and Rita worked as a pair because Rita was Rita. She was loud and rambled constantly but when you get lost in the past that kind of distraction is appreciated. Every spring, they only worked half days. They still needed money. Juno listened to her go on about current shows as he did paperwork. It helped on okay days. The bad days usually involves a yelling match between them with Rita on the inside of the office and Juno being locked out. "Mista Steel, go home! I've seen Kanegawa contestants that look better than you!"

"Rita! Let me in my own damn office!"

"No! I'm pretty sure you're a zombie, Mista Steel!"

"Zombies don't exist!"

"Your face says otherwise!"

It ends with Rita threatening to call Sasha to come pick him up. Juno would have no choice but to leave (ten years after the incident and here still couldn't face her.) The next day, he'd come in with a small pastry as thanks. Rita may not understand Juno, but she deals with him. There aren't enough pastries in the solar system that could express his gratitude.

_______________________

As time goes, the month of flashbacks get shorter. There are still incredibly bad days. Days like this one, where he's lying in bed wondering what it would have been like if he ran away that day. He wanted to stop thinking about it, but like The Creek said he was a pitiful nigger that wanted to die. The word had died out in the last few centuries since Earth decided to take action before they explored the galaxies. The institutionalized racism was removed, but there were always some who hold those old values that would lead to the extinction of the human race. Hate crimes still happened. Juno remembered walking to school with his brother and a man drove by shouting "Kill all niggers!" He gripped his brother's hand tighter as he memorized the license plate. Juno may have been 8 years old at the time, but he knew that it's hard to drive with flat wheels.

Just recently, Juno ran into an old co-worker. The name was forgettable, but the face wasn't. Red with anger as she shouted at him. The new captain was corrupted by greed and everything that their captain worked hard for feel apart because of him. "I never believed my grandmother when she said that they shouldn't let you dirty niggers leave Earth, but she was right." Juno tired to reply with something witty, but his mouth ran dry. He hurried home and dove under the covers. He might have been there for days, he couldn't tell. His comm was off and at the other side of the apartment. It wasn't worth getting out from under the blankets. Just laying there, silent and tense. He didn't sleep in fear of nightmares he didn't move in fear of flashbacks. He was frozen in time. The door clicked unlock and slowly opened. Footsteps barely able to hear flew across the floor into his bedroom. Hands tightened around the blaster. Was it his mother? Was it the counselors? Or the old co-worker trying to avenge the old captain? He was ready. The trespasser barely pulled the blanket back before Juno leapt out. A hand caught his wrist and twisted behind him while the other one worked prying the gun out. The two of them fell forward pinning Juno against the bed. "Let me go!"

"Juno dear, I thought you would be more happy to see me." Of course it would be his mother. She started it all. She would want to end it.

"Come to finish me off like Ben? Get off and fight me, you shit!" He shouted unable to see her.

"Who's Ben?"

"Don't play dumb with me! You may be a shitty mother but not an idiot!" She released his arms and stepped back still holding the gun. When Juno turned around, he reached for the blaster but she wouldn't let go.

"Juno look at me." She said uncharacteristically soft. His eyes drifted up to her face only to see Peter. His dark eyes glistened with concern. A small smile played on his lips. "Juno? Are you with me?" His body felt like lead as he sunk to the floor. The master thief crouched to his level. "How long were you under there, Juno?"

"I don't know." He refused to look in his eyes.

"What day of the week is it?"

"Friday?"

"It's Sunday, Juno."

"...Oh." Peter took Juno's cheek in his hand. His thumb grazed the scar across his nose.

"Are you feeling better, Juno?"

"Maybe?"

"Are you going to try to kill me again?"

"No."

"Good, that would have put a real damper on our relationship." He joked. The man of many names guided Juno to stand. Eyes soft and voice softer Peter asked, "Where do you keep your pajamas?"

"Under the pillow." Peter reached and found an oversized shirt and pajama shorts both with more holes than the streets of Oldtown. Mental note was created to get Juno better pajamas. But that could wait. His partner needed him.

"Alright, let's get you in a bath."

Led like a child, Juno and Peter entered the bathroom. Though small for even one person, they managed. Once the bath was filled, Peter turned to Juno. "Juno, take off your clothes."

"I can do it myself!" Snapped back like a wild dog, Juno fought back that suffocating feeling in his throat. A sincere sad smile appeared on the thief's face.

"I know you can. But you're hurting and I wish to help."

"No, I'm not."

"Juno, you have been lying in your bed for what I can assume for the past 72 hours ready to shoot anyone. You're hurting inside and I wish to help you, but if you don't want me to, I will leave." He grabbed the washcloth then held it out to the private eye. Dark eyes narrowed at the washcloth. Reluctantly, Juno stripped out of his clothes and stepped around his partner to step in the tub.

They had seen each other naked on numerous occasions in many locations. Hotels, public bathrooms, once in the Triad restaurant, Juno's office, Juno's apartment, Juno's couch. Every inch of his apartment has been christened by their occasions. But none as intimate as this one. Peter, sitting on the edge like a maiden without a care, gently washed his partner. Knees drawn to his chest, Juno focused on the steady hands on him. They were quiet, reverent even as if this kind of intimacy was the old gods that the Earth used to worship. He worked from the top down, careful to avoid bruises and scratches. Peter guided the detective's head back and rinsed his hair of sweat and nightmares.

When his partner was deemed clean, Peter drained the tub and passed Juno the towel. "Juno, do you want to eat or sleep first?"

"Neither. I want to drink in peace-" He stumbled out only to be caught by the thief, "- and watch shitty shows." A face that only can be described as "somewhere between being in love and having murderous thoughts about the same person" appeared on Peter's face. Juno tried to ignore it as he put on his pajamas, but those almost black narrow eyes made his skin crawl.

"Love-"

"Don't 'love' me." He tried to push past, but Peter's slim body effectively blocked him.

"Easier said than done." A mutter barely hiddened within a sigh.

"I'm not some pity case for you to mark as your good deed for the day."

"Thank goodness we're on the same page about that."

"Apparently not since you see as a damned nigger who can't fucking take care of himself." Peter was silenced. He watched the words die on his lips. "Which makes you a bigger idiot than I thought." He shoved past his partner and headed straight for the whiskey cabinet.

Skipping the glass, he chugged the new bottle empty hoping it would make him the same. From the corner of his eye, Peter walked with all the determination of a killer in each step. "You're not going to want to stick around for the next part, Nureyev. It's gonna get ugly real fast." His hands searched for more alcohol. Emotions tonight sounded worse than the hangover tomorrow. His partner approached him hands gripping his wrists holding them high above his head. "What the hell!"

"Juno-"

"What? You, of all people, gonna try to play to my emotions? You, Mr 1000 Faces?" He didn't need to see his eyes squinting to know Peter was angry. "Fuck off, Nureyev."

"No Juno-"

"Am I what, you're replacement for Mags? If you can save this soul maybe you'll forgive yourself? A whole life of pretty thefts forgiven? Surprised you haven't killed me yet. I know you're not that stupid, Nureyev. Nothing will save you." He was spun around, arms held twisted behind him. Those almost black eyes met his and for a moment Juno swore he could read his mind again.

"You're right, detective. Nothing can save me. Before I met you, I spent half my time resisting the urge to go back to Burma and shout from the top of my lungs 'I'm the notorious Peter Nureyev!' and get shot down by the Guardian Angels. God knows I deserve it. Terrorist, murderer, thief, I'm all those things. I'm not looking for forgiveness." Forceful tears ran down his face as the grip loosened. "I forgave myself a long time ago. Yes, he was the closest thing I ever had to a family and I loved him. But I don't kill innocent people, Juno." His body entrapped the detective against the counter. Juno was drowning in that cologne. "I don't see you as... that. You're a funny caring lady whose laugh lighten up the darkest of rooms and eyes put the stars to shame. If I could, I would have loved away your pain the moment we left the Kanegawa mansion. But I can't. That isn't how it works. I want to help you because I can't simply love away your pain. If I can help you heal, I want to. You're a good person, Juno Steel. An asshole undoubtedly, but good. Life has been fucking you over senseless for years, you deserve to be cared for." Peter backed away and went to grab his coat. A few hours out of the apartment to give Juno time to breathe. Dark eyes filled with tears.

"Peter?" His voice small and buried in sobs.

"Yes dear?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Peter?"

"Yes dear?"

"Will you stay?" The master thief turned to see fat tears rolling down dark cheeks. "It's the anniversary of Ben's death and I don't think I should be alone." Peter walked over and held him as he cried into the rich silk shirt. He babbled sorries and declarations of love in tears as a narrow hand brushed over his tight curls. "I'm sorry I was mean."

"I know you didn't mean the things you said. You were trying to scare me off." They stood in silence until Peter's gently asked, "Juno, do you want to move this to the bed?" He nodded.

The two tired men laid in the bed with legs and arms entangled. That damned cologne enveloped Juno when he pushed his face into Peter's chest. Clever hands rubbed his back like waves in the ocean, pulling the detective into a deeper. "Peter?"

"Yes dear?"

"After Ben died, I was sent to a mental institution. It... it..." Soft lips pressed against his forehead. He knew he wasn't going to drown though he was once afraid. There were people who cared enough to pull him up. "I don't know how to explain it, but it's like I'm not in control anymore." All Juno had to do was say he needed help. "I nearly killed my captain back in HCPD because she touched my shoulder while I was..." A sigh rose from the chest under him. When it was released, Juno followed suit. Deep breath in. And out. "I... I... I... I..."

"It's called dissociating. Give it a name and it loses power over you." A hand settled on the small of Juno's back. "I can teach you how to control it after you get some rest."

"Sounds like a plan." He took one last deep breath, filling his head with that cologne. Sleep didn't wait long before pulling him under. For the first time in too long, Juno had no worries weighing him down. He wasn't going to drown. He was going to live.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I'm black and I'm processing through some stuff. I headcanon Juno as being black so Juno gets to say the n word.  
> Don't say anything about the idea of the post institutionalized racism world they live in. It's literally set four hundred years in the future and let me dream.


End file.
